Tuesday, October 21, 2003

My Testimony

I have been born again now for about 5 years. When I was around 38 I had a true conversion to salvation and the truth of God and eternity, of wickedness and of spiritual realities. I visited with a man in a bar one night who handed me a New Testament and seemed to know me and my hearts condition at the time. I have never seen this man again and since then I have given that New Testament to another individual, in the hopes that it would have some effect upon him. As a matter of fact, I just saw him the other day walking down the street and offered him a ride to where he was going. Yesterday, I looked in the “lounge” section of the Suite, ironically I never read this and usually always stay with the R&S forum. Yet for some reason I went into the Lounge and found this message. http://www.suite101.com/discussion.cfm/3031/102324. I'm not sure what all this means but I find it to be no coincidence. Even going into your thread is not by chance.

For what reason I do not know, but I can say that our conversation have been worthy and useful. In this, I trust the Gospel to be truth, even among two strangers such as ourselves. Here we are sharing with each other our deep things. Strange then I say, for what a benefit we receive in such efforts. This to is worthy and reinforces our Lords word and our faith. So this is why I share with you how I came to know our Lord and King, our God.

Most all my life I have lived a lifestyle of a homosexual. It is embarrassing to admit such a thing but it is truth of myself. I am not what you would consider to be a gay man, that is, one who searches out another male to love and to share my life and so forth. I was simply into the attraction of the flesh and lust. I was nearly turned over to my sin. I can see back then I had one foot in Hell and the other heading in that direction. I came so very close to being turned over as the Bible describes in Romans. This too I understand.

It is such a difficult life, to be one that is attracted to the same sex. There is so much difficulty with this that it is beyond me why any of us would follow such destruction. In the end, it is destruction of the highest form and no doubt leads to complete separation of God entirely. God declares this type of behavior as an abomination and I agree and know why it is so from experience. Wisdom then has been revealed to me through these types of experiences. These truths then are the same for our brothers and sisters in Christ and there different experiences. So I understand the issues of tongues and all of these things we discuss within the Suite and our gifts.

Our gifts are given to use according to our abilities to effectively use them to edify the church. I understand the usage of gifts and I know what mine are. Wisdom, understanding, exhortation, teaching and preaching, discernment and a new gift I have just discovered, Faith. But this is another testimony that I will share another day. I have shared this story with another, Craig93. As well I have shared with RA and Craig this story about my lifestyle and a little concerning this subject. Most all my heart is opened willingly, for all to look for themselves and discern truth. For the most part, on Suite101, I have been severely labeled and branded and this takes away from our faith, our message of salvation, as some Christians remain divided on silly and foolish things, such as approach and the preaching of condemnation, judgment. Truth is not pleasant at first. Today all we see are those who preach love and everything is OK, were all just fine and come as you are and be yourself and love the way God created you and so forth. This is apostasy and leads unto death and must be opposed while we have the time.

I do not know why I have been hit so hard by fellow brothers who admit to Jesus as their personal savior. All I can say is that I can only know them by their fruit. I trust what I have to say and believe the Lord has allowed me to be a loud and thundering voice. I must say though, I do not think most would endure what will follow through this type of preaching. I have lost many friends since becoming born again. I have never been hated by anyone before in my life until I came to saving grace and truth. I now know what it means to be hated and to be rejected. This is a hardship and trial. I must say that I was broken completely. This is God's way. To bring us to our knees, completely destroy the man. It is His record and no true believer will escape this fiery trial of change. This then is to bear our cross daily. I have done this and not of my own will. I feel certain from the Holy Spirit himself as these things I do, are not of my own choice and therefore, a self revealing witness of the Holy Spirits presence in my life. This too I perceive.

Homosexuality is not a condition one gets from birth. Indeed it is chosen and followed through with. Science has not found any evidence of birth defects, creating this so-called homosexual lifestyle. God would never give this as it is totally against Him and His creation. Indeed all who are such as these, willfully follow this destruction to the bitter end. It is nothing more than blindness to truth and is the first visual evidence of spiritual wickedness. Sex is always the first sign of evil and sin, as homosexuality is nothing more than feelings and emotions, driven through lust of the eyes satisfying the flesh. I know, for I have lived it. I can admit I have had over 500 sexual encounters and this is being conservative.

As a young man I was blessed with good looks and charming as well. I do not say this to brag or otherwise. It is simply the truth. From the age of 14 all the way to 38 or so, I lived this lifestyle. It is a web of deceit from top to bottom as everything is thrown out of proportion. When gays claim 'coming out of the closet' I understand this meaning. I can assure you that no matter what, they all know that they are not right within themselves and that indeed, something is wrong with them, no matter what they do or how they rationalize their inner-hearts. They are lost and given over to sin and for the vast majority, they have no idea what has strangled them into sin and wickedness.

When I was 35 I realized that I had lost my youth. I no longer looked desirable and such. This was a hard thing to accept, as this lifestyle is based on looks and youth is the driving factor. Love and emotion comes after the physical and that is why homosexuals continually are looking for partners. Their love is driven by lust first. If some feelings of affection is accomplished, then love attempts to follow. However, it is a false love and most never find this out until it is too late. The truth is, homosexuality is a devastating lifestyle as this group of men live on average to about 40 years old. That I was born again at 38 speaks to me volumes this side of salvation.

I have written many things on suite101 concerning this subject and they are all archived and can be found easily. I have received so much opposition to this, being called everything from a bigot, racist, hateful and so forth. Yet I know the truth and the one man who I contended with on this subject at Suite101, never admitted to these truths I spoke about concerning this lifestyle. His name is Aelred. Maybe you have seen him around the Suite. I oppose homosexuality steadfastly and teach on this subject willingly. I will not always share in an open setting my history because I feel it will have no effect and gets distracted in another's subjective thoughts and so forth. I can always tell a true Christian by their answers.

It is not necessary for me to publicly state what I was in order to describe, what I am today, and why I am this way. I am not sure if you understand this reasoning or not but let me say, it seems more effective not involving personal with truth with complete strangers, as others in the R&S forum seem to misjudge these things. They seem to not understand and always invoke personal and never seem to rationalize truth. I suppose that is why I took upon the Biblical Apologetics adoption topic. Heck, I am only a forklift salesman actually and have no training in such things. Yet here I am. I do not know what to say other than I realized the gift sitting in my lap and took it as such and used it for God's work, not always knowing what the outcome will be, yet hoping that God will remember me in the trials and tribulations that come with preaching the good news to a hateful world.

From the age of 14 all the way to my early 30's I was attractive enough to have any person I wanted. For many reasons this was so, not least of which that I was always a straight and did like women too. The gays call people like me 'butch' and it simply means, straight acting. Well this was me. A straight acting guy who had no problems in looking for men to satisfy my lust and fantasy. I suppose I call it this because this lifestyle is emotionless and is simply an act that one performs to satisfy sexual desire. Really not that much different than men who chase women all over the place I suppose. Yet the difference here is that most normal men will stop 'playing the field' and start looking for a mate to settle down with and live life, having children and so forth. Not the homosexual. This cannot be so because this lifestyle cannot fulfill a satisfying role in a relationship for a life long commitment. This was the first thing I noticed about this lifestyle early on in my life. I realized that unless I found someone like me, I could never find true happiness and the one for me. This lifestyle is so set against love and affection that indeed, it is not possible and those very few who have found it, they are lost to all eternity for they know not their rejection of God and His established order. I have seen them going to church in their need to satisfy the spiritual they know and understand that exists, as all humans know there is something more than just us, spinning around a planet with no future or hope.

When I see young people today starting out in this lifestyle, it grieves me so as I know what their fate will be. In sharing this with them they themselves cannot understand, as they reason in their minds that they will not have a life like mine, that I must have been so messed up not to be able to achieved this relationship that we all look for. No, the fact is, my life was so great compared to theirs. I travel Europe and America for 7 years as a door to door salesman. So my life was adventurous and filled with every desire I was seeking. Indeed, I can say to this day, I have fulfilled every fantasy except one. Finding my true love, a women who loves me and I her in every thought and feeling becoming one flesh. Now that is truly an awesome thing and God has told this to us from the very first chapter of his book. This too I an perceive even though I have never experienced this.

I know this may be hard to understand and probably hard to read but think of it then as any normal man seeking to fulfill his demand for gratification, pleasing the flesh and driven by lust. Indeed there are many like this today as our world is filled with spiritual wickedness of all sorts and sex being the most obvious. It has aways been this way and this will be the downfall of our nation. Homosexual marriage will destroy this nation as we know it, as God will not stand by and watch us reject Him, yet believing He will protect us. This is foolishness to God's children, but to others it is called their rights, their freedom to choose that which they are, sinners and condemned of God because they seek only themselves and do not listen to God and what He demands. These are those who will receive their glory, but it will be short lived as this lifestyle will be dealt with swiftly and with all wrath. Sodom and Gomorrah were examples of those who corrupted God's divine laws and presume there is no Lord God who will bring wrath and justice. I thank God he pulled me from this and set me in a new direction. For no man ever came to me, as I do to others, and preached to me God's word. I feel that because of this lack of exposure, God himself intervened on my behalf and for this, I was saved. More on this in a moment.

What finally got to me and caused me depression was simply my age. In the homosexual world, 18-24 is the age and if you are past this age then you are near death in this type of environment, simply because you do not look young as youth is the basis of this lifestyle. A very clever trick of Satan, completely overturning a man because men think from the physical and God teaches us to use our hearts. Such a vast difference and so obvious. Homosexuals will argue this subject of age with you and demand that they indeed have love and compassion and so age is irrelevant. The truth be known, this is a lie that either they cover up intentionally, or they have yet to discover the simple truth. Either way, when they see this truth, life will have all but lost its meaning and purpose.

It is easy to see why 40 is the age of destitute for the homosexual. We are still young enough to be considered youthful, yet old enough to never go back to our youth. In this, death has come to the homosexual and it is understandable now why the average lifespan for an active homosexual is only 40. This is so sad and such a cruel lifestyle that I cannot understand why any would continue in such. Yet you see, we are blinded to truth and lost to eternity because of our selfishness and our desire to please ourselves, through sexual relationships. This is a circular sin that is nearly inescapable. That is why I preach to my old friends who remain in that place as in the hopes that one of them may see truth. So how did I escape this? Well, I had a dream one evening.

I have had several spiritual experiences throughout my life. When I was around 12, I have a dream of trumpets. I could see them clearly and I heard them as well. They were trumpets for certain, yet nothing like I have ever heard before. They were majestic and a sound so unique. I can remember this dream to this day. At that time I was influenced by my grandfather, who was an RLDS. Although today, I can see the error in this religion, I always saw my grandfather as a man of God. I know he knew Jesus and am certain he resides in heaven. He was a good man then. He did not treat my father, his step-son, with much compassion and was hard with him, hitting him as well. But this too is another story. I told my grandfather of this dream I had and he always remembered it. Many times my grandmother would talk about it too, whenever we talked of things of God. So I say this then to verify that 30 years removed, I know I had this dream as they knew too and it is my witness of this truth. Yet does it mean anything? I do not know and have always wondered why I had this dream. God does speak to us in dreams. We find in the Bible that dreams were one the the first ways God communicated with men. I too verify this as a truth although I have no answers or know what the purpose is or was. This happened when I was 12. I had a few other experiences after that but they too are another story.

At 28 and back from traveling Europe for 6 years and having the time of my life, I was able to use my looks and such for I was young and good looking, in good shape, nice body, etc. This is what gave me over to my sin, knowing these things and using them to my advantage. I would be the first to take off my shirt or whatever. Indeed I was not shy and proud of it. All who knew me would say the same and this in itself is an attraction and believe me, in the gay world, this is a high quality to have. Yet, at 35, I could see that none really wanted to speak with me as I was just not their type or just too old. The only ones really interested in me were the 40+ crowd and I must say, I too was given into youth and looks as I wanted nothing to do with people of that age. All my life I never knew of a relationship and have never met anyone who I really loved or that I wanted to live with the rest of my life.

In the gay world, you always think a better one will come along and this sort of mentality. You never see youth lost or what happens when you get older. All I ever knew was that I could have any person and sooner or later, the right one will come along. It is a search that never ends as it is deception all the way down this road, with twists and turns that never bring you back to truth or reality, only getting worse and worse, bringing with it sadness, despair and sheer loneliness. I always said to myself, as some old man was attempting to hit on me, what a sick thing. Shouldn't they be home with somebody? What was their problem for being so perverted in seeking guys so much younger. I would see old men, 60 or so, cruising inside bars hoping they would find some young guy that liked them. I always thought to myself, that is so sick and such. Knowing as well they never would find anyone except for the hustler out to exploit an old lonely man for nothing more than money. They willingly give it too, for that is all they have anymore, as they passed through their youth and threw so much away, being steadfast in lies and deception as their season is gone and now all they have left is their true self, youth unable to entice and old age, unable to attract because it is not attractive.

Now they are left with nothing and this is Satan's most destructive weapon against them. All because they are attracted to the male body and youth. Oh what deception this is, never looking inside the heart. The bible says that no homosexual will ever step foot in heaven and we can see why. Because they will inwardly be looking at you in lust and in desiring to have you as theirs, for their selfish desires. And this is why Hell will be too much to bear and with no escape, for their hearts are out for all to see. They will see themselves as selfish and sexually perverted, desiring only that which pleases them and only for an instant of gratification. Yes, this too I perceive and escaped through the blood of Christ, my Savior.

After coming home from Europe I still had enough youth and looks to be able to meet just about anyone I desired. Yet all the while noticing it becoming more and more difficult as rejection came more often. From about 30 I began to get depressed because of the loneliness this creates. I can tell you that for certain, it is ruthless and almost unbearable to be alone and always having to go seek someone for love. What blindness and total depravity. Even still I looked good and nothing changed, as I could not see myself getting older. This is why you find gays trying everything they can to look young and fit. It is all part of the deception and so obvious this side of salvation. Yet when I was fully given into it, I never saw it coming. So in my mid 30's I was depressed and unable to find love or even give it to someone as none were interested except of course, some nasty old man. Yet everywhere, I saw those who were 'my type' yet I was not theirs and this was so shocking to me that I was nearly devastated and it angered me.

I thought to myself, I am cursed for sure. There is almost no chance of me ever finding true love in this world, unless it was by some miracle or chance. Of course if you're homosexual, you cannot know God for certain. Therefore chance and luck seem truth. It is an effort then we must give. That is, we must continually go out and mingle with those like us. This is always the gay bar and almost never will you find any type of social environment outside of this. They will claim otherwise but I can testify as fact, this is almost never truth. Now we have an environment of perversion, loneliness, depression, alcohol and drugs all mixing together. What a mess. Who could be delivered from such evil and wickedness and a cycle of bad to worse. Indeed they are given in to it and this too I perceive as God has given to them that which they demand. He has stopped protecting them. Ultimately He gives them over to that which they demand and they are lost for eternity. They are walking dead men even as they have life and this is so sad to witness yet I was spared and I know not why.

I suppose then that God uses these things to reach us. This is to say, that because of this condition I created for myself, I believe that this is what it took for me to find God, therefore a gift in a way to reach salvation. Often I think to myself that had I not been this type of person, I may have very well been lost for all eternity and that this is what it took for me to see truth. Had I been a normal man, with these same desires and tendencies, who knows for sure. I may have fallen so bad that my inner desires were never fully destroyed, as to seek some way of escape. This is to say, that being a man and seeking women all the time, I may have never seen the destruction of lust because it would have been natural, therefore acceptable. I know many men that are this way and I can tell you, they too are lost themselves. So I think to myself that indeed, it took all of this as to save me. This too I perceive this side of salvation. Yet as well, I do not fully know this answer and will have to wait and see, did I do as God willed in my life? I will know only then, on my judgment.

So as time progressed and I reached my early 30's I was depressed and very lonely. At this time, I meet a young man at the bar. He was only 19 at the time and I must tell you, a very attractive young man and very much my type. A skateboarder type and very straight acting. He was a lot like me in that I did not live in the homosexual world as I too found it revolting and full of perversion. Yet, one night in the same bar that the man gave me an New testament but before the time we had met, I meet this young man. After several meetings together I really fell for this guy, not like love or anything, but more as a partner you see, willing to do with me as I with him. He was a straight guy more or less and for the most part lived with his girlfriend. Yet he had this slight edge to him that satisfied him. Same as with me then I suppose as I too was not what you would call a homosexual, or a true gay man, just more interested in young males because of the lust of the flesh and nothing more.

I knew this young man for about 3 years. We got together many times during this time but I must tell you, he never showed any interested in me, only what I was made of, if you will. This too is an inspiring story but for another day. Eventually, I got to the point where even though I was totally excited by this person, I could find no satisfaction whatsoever. One time with him, I had the feeling I was being watched. I felt as I was being judged and that off in the background were people or something, standing there watching me and taking an account. I shared this with the young man as I tried to explain to him my excuse for not being able to perform. After that, we never saw each other again as I am sure he understood what I was describing, as I came to find that he was a multiple personality and had his own issues with morality and all these things. For many months we had discussed religion and he was a Buddhist.

The Last time I hooked up with him he refused me and told me that his morality is what was stopping him from doing these things. I was relived because by this time I had become saved and was what seemed to me, as being tempted to go through with something that I decided to give up. I was appreciative for his refusal although I never told hims so. I have not seen him since this event but always think of him and even pray for him often. How strange these things work. I would love to see this troubled young man in heaven one day, washed of his sin and also, given the rest that his heart so desired and searched for, yet not knowing God at the time I knew him. Maybe my experience with him had some effect in this. I cannot know this, but often ask God, 'what shall we do about this Lord' or 'Please Lord, remember Jesse'. I can only pray and have the hope God will hear me as I have asked for forgiveness of these things I did and as well, brought them against another man. Both of us felt guilt and we both knew this. I say God was working me good at that point. I hope Jesse too felt these things. I cannot know but continue it seems to pray for him the remainder of my life. I cannot know if this will bring anything but yet this is the truth and what can I say. I have not shared this with anyone up to this point and this is the first time I have even put it into writing. A difficult thing then, as I hope you are able to understand this seemingly unending letter. An unusual thing occurred with Jesse and the time he refused me and another man I had met, all this occurring after salvation and itself is another story. Yet so simple that if we were sitting together this probably would only take a few minutes to explain.

Between the time of meeting this person and being saved, I was around 35 or so and I was at home one Friday evening, bored and wanting to go out to meet someone but knew of the hassle involved and didn't really want to go. Yet I did decide to go later in the evening and was hoping maybe of even seeing Jesse was there. Yet I knew in the back of my mind he would not be and so, I went anyway. It was about 11:30 or so when I arrived at the bar. This is a usual spot for me and everyone knows me there and all of that which goes with the bar scene. So I pulled up my usual spot, the corner of the main bar, directly in front of the stage that is settled back off in the distance.

This bar is a show bar and has many impersonators there lip singing to all the latest music. I am sure you can visualize this type of environment. Indeed, many straight people go there for shows and entertainment, as many people seem to enjoy this type of thing. I am only guessing that women enjoy it because it is a none threating place for them, so I can see the attraction on their end. After all, I harassed many women in my day as well, so I can understand what it is like to get hit on so often as this happened with me, from old men looking for a guy like me! Strange I know, yet true.

Well, I am sitting at my usual place and the show is about to begin. Most people are there for the show. I was not, as I never found these type of shows as anything of any value whatsoever. Men dressed as women and lip singing. What a joke actually and so very gay. I was never into this scene whatsoever. So the show started, it was crowded and I had my seat for the night. Looking around the room of several hundred people, mostly gay men but as well many straight couples. Thinking in my mind what a joke this place is actually and why in the hell am I even here. Inside I was deeply sad and depressed as I was considering how my life had become and thinking, wow, is this all I have to look forward to? Well, out of the side of my ear I heard someone say to me, 'you don't look like you really want to be here'. I was looking forward at the show yet my mind wondering so I was not really paying attention to who was sitting near me or what they were even discussing, as it was rather loud inside. Yet out of the corner of my ear I heard this man ask me, why are you here then?

So I turned over to answer him. I looked at him and said, I don't know, no reason really. I turned back to look at the show that was going on and he asked me, 'then why are you here'. I turned to him and said that I was bored and that I had nothing else to do. He said to me that I didn't look like I wanted to be there and asked me why. I really could not answer him. This all took about 5 minutes or so and then he said to me, here take this. So I took the little book and looked at it. It said New Testament on it. I looked at him and said, thanks. Yet really in my mind I wasn't really interested in it and at that time had no interest in God. I suppose I was one of those types who believed in God but always thought that my goodness would get me to heaven. I never understood sin and salvation and the need for Christ Jesus to save us. So I looked at this man and said well, I never really read this and thanks. He said, give a try sometime and thanked me for taking it.

So time had passed, the night turned into morning and it was closing time. I never really thought about the man who gave me this New Testament but knew I had it in my pocket. So I left and was heading home. Of course, I had a pretty good buzz then and was just interested in getting home and going to bed. Forgetting another useless night and looking forward to more of the same. Well after arriving home I got down to my room and could not really fall asleep. I think it was the amount of liquor I had drank as the room was somewhat spinning and my ears were ringing. So I turned on the TV to ease the silence. I suppose it was around 5 AM or so. The TV was set on a station that a preacher was on and preaching about casting out demons. I started to watched him as he was intense and seemingly intent of give out his sermon. It was powerful indeed. I was lonely, drunk and out of my clothes, even butt naked. Inside I was devastated with my life and so lonely and depressed. I felt as if I hit the end of the road and that life had nothing much more to offer and old guy like me and what a terrible and lonely future.

Well after watching this preacher give a sermon on casting out demons, he ended it by asking those in his congregation to come forward, if they were not saved and wanted to be saved. There was a pause with music playing and these people started walking up to the alter. I thought to myself, I need to do this thing they are doing. Maybe it will help me, I don't know actually. So I remember having this New Testament that the man in the bar had given to me earlier in the evening. So as the preacher starting praying for these people, asking them to repeat after him, I did the same thing. I was begging Jesus to save me. I was crying and totally into the man on the TV. It was an experience because I know I was somewhat drunk from the liquor but my heart was bleeding and not one person knew of my inner hell, my inner lostness and no way of expressing these things. All I really remember is repeating after the TV preacher and asking Jesus to save me. Balling like a baby and in serious conversation with myself and the preacher, clutching to the New Testament as if it was something that could help me. Then the preacher ended his program and there I was sitting all alone and the TV finished for the night. That preacher was John Hagee. I will never forget him and often think of him this day wondering what he would think if he ever knew this testimony. He will one day, and maybe then I can thank him for his work.

Today, 5 years removed, I see him on TV sometimes and always try to catch his program. Although that night I didn't know this man of course nor his program. Well after all of this, I was tired, drained and had just did what the preacher asked of us to do, if we wanted to seek salvation and the burdens of our lives to be removed and given to Jesus. So before collapsing into a sleep, I remember thinking, what stupidity all this I just did. I was angry as well because I was alone and knew that if just someone actually knew me they would truly like me. Yet this was not the case in my life. So out of anger I threw the New Testament across the room and said something to the effect of, this is stupid BS, why would God even listen to me. So I feel asleep.

After this had happened, some time had passed before my dream. I am not sure how much time had passed since seeing this preacher on TV that night and my begging Jesus to save me, but I know it was not that much time. Maybe a few weeks or so. I cannot remember actually. I do know that one night shortly afterwards I had a dream of Christ Jesus himself. I awoke from this dream crying so much and it was a gut cry for sure. I knew I was forsaken and that the Lord has rejected me because I rejected him. You see Minnie, at that time, I did what the preacher asked, asking Jesus to save me, but I was not really saved. Now looking back 5 years removed, I can see that even though I was serious about salvation, I had not really understood the need to be repentant of my sin and that I must personally account for this with Jesus himself. Although I went through the motions, I knew I must make it a person matter between me and God only. So this is my dream and how I knew what I must do to have Jesus save me.

In my dream, I was floating above the ground. I could tell I was in the Grand Canyon, but I am not for sure why. In my mind I think it was for size and scale of the enormity of what I had seem in my dream. So, I know I am floating in this dream, maybe to say, I was flying is a good definition. I was head first with my stomach towards the ground and at the bottom of this entire vision. In this vision of the dream I could see that there was a separation between two sides. I could see another side of the Grand Canyon that was separated by a vast opening that as dark and had no light whatsoever. It was a huge distance between these two places yet each side was clearly visible. I was the only person in this dream. I was flying then, moving forward knowing I was in the Grand Canyon.

As I was moving, with what seemed to be a normal speed and nothing out of the normal, as if flying is something we do, I noticed in the upper part of my vision a huge purple cape that was in between these two sides of the vision. I was on the lower side looking to my left and seeing this majestic cape beginning to appear into the corner of my vision. As I keep moving forward more and more of this cape began to appear. Indeed it was majestic purple, that was rich in color and evident it was no ordinary cape. It was of royalty I knew this for sure. It was very long and waving in the wind. As I approached I could see a figure beginning to appear in my vision as I am still look to the left and I am down toward the bottom of this vision, in perspective of the horizon. As I approached towards the place where this man was beginning to appear I could see His long hair and a white robe covering around him. I knew right then and there it was Jesus. His back was turned to me and I was thinking, there is Jesus!! There is Jesus!! I was so happy and joyful and I started to yell out for Him. I said, Jesus, here, I am over here. I thought for sure He would turn around and see me. I keep moving forward now being exposed to the entire view of Jesus and seeing His majestic cape floating in the wind with such length to it I could not estimate the size of it as it was to much to guess.

All the while, as I am approaching and yelling out to Him, asking Him to help me. He never looked towards my way and I began to get nervous and anxious. I kept yelling out for Him, Jesus over here, I am over here, please look at me and come for me. Yet He never looked at me. I past on by knowing that He never saw me at all nor even heard me. I was devastated and crying in my dream. I was forsaken by Jesus and I knew this, as I had just witnessed it in this dream. I woke up shortly after this, bitterly crying. I have never cried so bitterly in my life as I knew I was rejected. It was something that I was unable to bear, for many years of my life I had been rejected by those who I was seeking to get to know better. Yet this was way too much for me to take and I remember I bitterly cried as it was so very real. I knew it was real because no dream has ever effected me like this. I do not know how much time had passed but it was a small time and I was devastated, for I knew that Jesus had rejected me in this vision and without knowing God or the Gospel message, I knew I was forsaken. I was completely destroyed. I had no person to tell this to. So I remembered that New Testament that I had thrown across the room some nights before. I went to go and retrieve it.

I found it laying on the floor. It was early in the morning if I can remember correctly. I remember thumbing though it and started to read some of it. I remember reading about the swine in Matthew and really could not grasp this. So, I read some other things and was pretty much lost in what it was saying. I had no clue what it was saying. This was 5 years ago remember. So, that night, I went to bed and as I was laying there, I asked God to give me some wisdom. But not to much as He did with Solomon. For some reason, I seemed to remember this biblical story yet not truly understanding its true meaning or purpose. I remember after I had asked God this, that I chuckled. Even today I remember this because I know He answered me. I can say this now, 5 years removed from the event.

Well some time had passed. I am not sure how much time though because I cannot really remember but it was not much time. I had decided then that I was going to stop going to the bars and give all that up. I did by the way!! Yet after asking God to give me some wisdom but not too much, I remember one night opening that little New Testament again and reading it. I think it was probably a Friday night because I would normally go out your see and party. But I decide to stay home and read this little book. Well as I was was reading, I came upon the verse in Matthew where it describes these Christians being rejected by Jesus, even though they thought they were saved, 'depart from me ye work of iniquity'. When I read these verses it was crystal clear to me exactly what those verse said. I had no real knowledge of the bible whatsoever at that time but I did understand those passages. It was exactly as my dream. I thought to myself, wow, this is really weird. I mean my dream and the bitterness of this event and knowing I was forsaken. Then reading these passages it occurred to me why Jesus had rejected these people and they not knowing they would be rejected. I knew this feeling of extreme bitterness and clearly understood the verses. Then and there I knew what I needed do to seek true salvation.

Minnie, that was my dream 5 years ago and since then I have full knowledge of the entire Bible. I cannot know how this happened other than the fact God answered my prayer. That the preacher guided me towards salvation and the Holy Spirit reacted to my calling upon God. Then, I can see God moved in my life and my heart was ready to receive Him. From that day to this day, you now see the result of such an experience.

Shortly thereafter, I began seeking answers to this Jesus and in rapid time I understood what needed to be done. So one night, on my own free will I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sin. I mentioned all the things I could remember and I asked Him to help me. I told Him that I knew not what to do but that would He come to me again and so I know He has heard me. Well, I have not had that dream yet but I know He has saved me for certain. Even now as I finish this letter and nearly 12:30 am and after spending most of the day trying to put this in writing, as I have never done this, I still look forward to the conclusion to this dream. I know it is not necessary today, but always in the back of my mind, I know that Jesus will reject those who reject Him.

I fear what life would be like without Him and today He is with me. I am prepared then to see Him face to face then I suppose. I am thankful that it is probably a good idea that He had not faced me, for if He had, it would have been certain judgment and indeed, I would have been lost to all eternity. Today though, I am prepared to meet death and stand upon my judgment. For I am not perfect and this I know for certain. But He is just to forgive me and He knows that in my heart, I know He came to save me personally and individually. I cannot say anything more than I praise Him and worship Him as my Lord and King. I am thankful for what He has done to bring to me salvation and oneness with the Father.

So tonight 5 years later, here I am with no real story other than this. I believe God came to me personally, yet I never saw His face. I think that Jesus saved me personally yet I had no real visit per se, or heard anything or nothing magical. Only a surreal event that was very real and lasting. As I close this long letter to you I wish to say that I have never put this to paper, so please forgive the length of it and the possible confusion from it. Maybe in time I can take it a step further and edit it down a bit to improve it. Only you and I have read this testimony and really, I have no reason to give why I wrote it, but here it is. This is my salvation story.

Maybe from this you may get to know me just a little better and as time passes you may see in though my messages on the Suite and compare them to this story and may be able to discern truth. I suppose then that is why I did this, yet I really do not know why. Thanks for reading it though and being patient through it as I know it is not too well organized. It is a difficult thing to put something like this on paper. It is my hope that you were able to understand what I have said. I think that you have and I will also have the privilege to met your precious son one day and thank him, for making it possible to met his Godly mother! And that will be part of your story then!... Awesome ey...

In Christian love and friendship...
Wendell

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"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions
than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong"
~Thomas Sowell

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